


I don't know myself

by kapina



Category: Genghis Khan - Miike Snow (Music Video)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2016-12-18
Packaged: 2018-09-09 11:57:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8889919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kapina/pseuds/kapina
Summary: In which Gold Nose villain's henchmen see him come up with flimsier and flimsier evil plans to mask that all he really wants to do is dance with Secret Agent.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [larissabernstein](https://archiveofourown.org/users/larissabernstein/gifts).



It started out small enough that no one really caught on to what was going on. But a newfound, fragile something had definitely formed at Headquarters, transforming all of our lives.

It began in April, when Gold Nose Villain finished updating our security system. Promptly, we let slip word of a conspicuously nefarious plot with the hope of luring an agent to HQ who would try to stop us. Not even a day had passed when we got to try out the security improvements. Gold Nose called us into command room for observing. I squinted at the security cameras and saw a conspicuous bowtie flash in front of camera 47 before the footage went dark. Gold Nose immediately pressed a button to activate backup stealth camera 47 and the screen came back to life putting in focus - who else - but Gold Nose’s nemesis, Secret Agent. Apparently satisfied that he had obscured his entrance, Secret Agent brushed off his shoulder and headed in with a little hop to his step. He was wearing the Armani navy tuxedo, a personal favorite of mine.

We watched with growing anticipation through emergency stealth cameras 23, 61, 9, and 17 as Agent approached the newly added enhancements. I got my timer ready. Then the boulders fell. Agent instantly did a for a front flip that turned into cartwheels, ending with some somersaults and a bit of a crab walk. Getting smoothly past the boulders, he leaped from tile to tile across the moat and flying piranhas. Then came the field shooting columns of fire randomly into the air. Circling backwards and sideways, hopping lightly forward, Agent made it look like the fire came where he intended it to rather than where he could least expect. He was nearing the end of the booby traps.

Gold Nose inclined his head in my direction. “Time?”

“That was two minutes, 34 seconds, sir,” I said.

Gold Nose nodded, “That’s just enough time to detect intrusion and activate the internal gates. The new protections are effective. I think we are done here. Make the call, One.”

13 chuckled and we all looked in his direction. 13 pointed toward the screen, “He looks like he’s having fun.” We looked back at the screen and saw Agent was now adding hand gestures as a flourish to his leaps, adding an extra spin here and there. To be frank, he made evading the fire field look like doing the Electric Slide.

I made the call and Five, stationed above Agent, shot the stun gun down. Agent went down instantly. I dispatched Three and Six to pack him into a helicopter and drop him off at a park near Agent’s secret HQ. It was a job well done.

I was wrapping up for the day, changing out of my uniform in the locker rooms, when I saw Gold Nose accidentally put on his shirt backwards. I surmised he must be feeling inspired. The more absentminded he got, the better the plan he was cooking up. I shut my locker that day with extra satisfaction.  
   
In June, Gold Nose called a meeting to show off what he had been tinkering with. He always tended to come up with the machinery before the plan, if I might be quite frank myself, and it was a major weakness. “Ah,” said 13, “yet another robotic suit.” Gold Nose sniffed insultedly.

“But a fine improvement on last month’s,” I said. “The laser mechanism from the feet really adds to the deadly factor.” Gold Nose made a small smile.

“And the gold piping on the sleeves and legs gives it such style,” added Three. With this Gold Nose let out a chuckle. I nodded approvingly at Three.

Within a week Gold Nose was able to put the suit into action when we launched our takeover of City Hall. Turns out it’s rather easy when you have lasers. Several sections of melted wall, 12 stunned civilians, five instances of severe burns for my men, and a drop down three stories of one particularly heroically minded city council secretary later, we had besieged the building. Two and Seven were successfully extracting the signature we needed from the mayor, and Gold Nose was sitting in the cushy desk chair, deflated at the lack of challenge the whole operation had provided—when a crash through the windows sent shards flying everywhere and a mass landed in the room. It was Agent, crouching on the carpet, cool as a cucumber, with now a slash across a cheek, evidently from a piece of glass he had sent flying. It was a good look, bright red bloom of blood on his cheek and all. Gold Nose perked up at that. Agent straightened up and pulled the sleeves of his usually immaculate tuxedo, now ripped at a sleeve and with a shoe smoking over a melted hole with a toe poking out. He must not have successfully evaded the lasers, I thought. Agent growled, “Unhand the mayor.”

Gold Nose really got to try out the suit then. Within seconds he was backing Agent toward the hole he had come from. I took out my notepad to take notes on the suit’s functionality. Turns out Gold Nose had built it to be activated by movement. I noted the force, speed, and accuracy of the lasers emitted by his punches, kicks, and other body movements. I kept in mind, too, what adjustments would need to be made to catch Agent next time, whose spins, ducks, and jumps were so far keeping him safe.

“You seeing this 13?” I asked 13, who was standing by me.

“Well,” said 13. “Are they…dancing?”

I furrowed my brow, looked back to the scene in front of me as Gold Nose thrust his hips forward twice in a rather rhythmic manner. In response, Agent did what I believe in ballet could be called a pas de chat. Somehow, Gold Nose didn’t end up pushing Agent out the window. Instead they started doing loops around the room as Gold Nose continued to fire lasers and Agent continued to back away. If you squinted, Gold Nose could be described as a succession of barrel turns, which resulted in a laser barrage, and Agent looked to be doing jazz squares followed by the Charleston and the twist, avoiding all the shots landing at his feet. Gold Nose transitioned into a full power blast from a foot as he did what looked like a layout, and Agent dodged it with a turning leg hold. They seemed to be moving in time to the same beat. If you squinted of course.

I wacked 13 on the head with my notebook. “Stop messing around,” I snapped at him.

As all of our operations tend to end, in this one too, we were bettered by Agent. He got a ray from the laser to reflect right back into Gold Nose’s face. (I must, say I had never expected that mask to be useful, but it really saved the day for Gold Nose.) Unfortunately, it also temporarily blinded him and Agent was able to quickly apprehend him. On the bright side, as usual, we also got what we were after, namely the signature and agreement with the mayor, which went unnoticed. Agents always seem to we’re after the grand gestures. It’s easy to make them fall for the distraction of taking over a significant building.

This must’ve come as consolation, to Gold Nose too, who showed up to work the next day humming a little. “I’ve got a great new plan,” he told me while pouring coffee then stopped abruptly. “Oh here” he set his coffee down, dug through his lab coat and handed me a jar. Then he promptly exited the room, doing several kick ball changes enroute, apparently undeterred by the spray from his coffee cup. On the jar it said, Instant Laser Burn Healant, 100% Skin Growth Renewal.

As I was heading to deliver some salvant to 10, who by far had the worst laser burns, Five and Three swept by me. I observed with some curiously as they nodded their heads to an invisible beat.

Indeed, in the next few weeks I noticed my teammates syncopating steps as they carried loads from one area to another, or doing neck isolations as they stood guard. I suppose this was all reflective of the dancerly zest with which Gold Nose undertook his next invention. The man would chasse across the room every time he needed to grab a tool. He would wiggle his body as he looked over calculations. He would leap and twirl every time he put a screw in place. Gold Nose had always liked to end successful missions with a little bit of a victory dance for the crew, but this development was new.

In September, Gold Nose called us for the launch of our next mission.

“As you know,” he briefed us, “construction on the tower has been completed by Two, Seven, and Eight. Now, as you also know, waves must be emitted at a very precise set of intervals and frequencies. In order to fire the waves correctly I have programmed this machine to display which type of wave to fire. I will step on the proper buttons when the symbols, which will scroll from the bottom of the screen, reach the line at the top of the screen. We launch in an hour. Any questions?”

“Sir, wouldn’t it have been possible to program the machine to fire automatically so you don’t have to step on buttons?” asked Two.

“Bah,” said Gold Nose.

“Sir, shall I destroy the fully functioning prototype?” asked Four.

“Pah,” said Gold Nose.

“Hey,” said 13, “Anyone know that game Dance Dance Revolution?”

We launched an hour later. Gold Nose was stomping around on his machine and all was going smoothly when Agent broke in. It’s really a mystery how the man gets through our defenses every time, I made a mental note to review the security footage. But for now, there he was walking through the rising smoke, which was all that was left of command room’s door. 

“Stop your brainwashing tower waves immediately,” shouted Agent pointing his gun dramatically at Gold Nose. Which—brainwashing wasn’t actually what our tower does, but there you have it.

Gold Nose yelled over the broadway tunes music he had put on for helping him keep time while running the machine, “There’s no way to stop me now, Agent! The only way to gain control of the machine is to run the override sequence!” Agent looked around, set his eyes on the prototype, which I could swear I had asked Five to stow away out of the mission control room. Agent jumped onto the prototype, selected override from the settings, and started jumping with vigor alongside Gold Nose. This went on for a while with both Gold Nose and Agent criss-crossing, double-tapping, jumping, and sweating copiously over Put on a Happy Face, then Anything Goes, then Guys & Dolls.

“I think Agent is going to win this one,” said 12, “he’s conserving more energy, his moves are more precise, and he’s not making tapping mistakes.”

Four’s head was shaking. “No, I think Gold Nose is faster, he’s able to get more combinations. He’s way outscoring Agent.”

Unfortunately enough, Four was not correct in his prediction. Agent ended up overriding the tower, beating us at our own game as always. For good measure he punched Gold Nose, though the mask made it more painful for him than Gold Nose. Then he shot his revolver at the tower-controller and various machinery around the room, resulting in several explosions and at least two toxic leaks. Finally satisfied with his victory, Agent ran off. I went to Gold Nose who had fallen to the ground with the impact of the punch.

“Well, sir,” I said, “ the machine went long enough to successfully neutralize the air pollutants. Unfortunately, this property damage won’t be fully covered by the insurance and that sets us back quite significantly.”

As I helped him up, Gold Nose told me rather dazedly, “Let’s have a fundraising ball.”

“Ok,” I said, thinking in all honesty that Gold Nose would rethink the words he spoke out of his pain, but instead he launched robust planning and catering preparations for the duration of the next month. Used to carrying heavy loads to and fro, operating machinery, or research, the team took to this newfound direction surprisingly well. There was a festive attitude at headquarters. I caught the team in charge of food doing a cooking conga line in the kitchens.

The result was definitely of the quality I’ve come to expect from my team. As our guests began to arrive, the lighting came on, hanging from the ceiling like a starry canopy, and the snow simulator created a stunning, if I may say so myself, effect of snowflakes falling gently all around us. A glut of pastries lay ready for consumption on side tables around the room and the champagne fountains added sparkle to corners, while their circulation mechanism retained a cool temperature and a perfect level of carbonation. The artificially created diamonds, which 11 and 12 had been working on pridefully, glistened from the interior of the mask-shaped ice sculpture by the entrance.

All was going smoothly when Six pinged to tell me that Agent had somehow snuck into the party. Hastily, Six also added that they were now prepared to apprehend and dispose of Secret Agent, as soon as they received confirmation orders. I went to query Gold Nose about how to proceed. Gold Nose sniffed disinterestedly and told us “to let him be, perhaps he might even donate something.”

After which, Gold Nose downed two glasses of champagne, and stepped forward to the center of the crowd. “Attention everyone,” he called, “to keep the party spirit going, I’m offering to donate half of tonight’s proceeds to a guest’s charity of choice of one honored guest, if…” at this Gold Nose glanced at the band, and after a pause, Ten gave a tremulous drum roll and cymbal crash, “…if they can beat me in a dance off!”

A hesitant cheer rose from the crowd. Eve Ill stepped forward, shedding her ermine furs and lifting her chin defiantly. Several other challengers, including Dr. Dreadheart, Redbeard Hook-hand, and Igor Iavorov also stepped forward. Lo and behold, one last challenger pushed through, Agent wearing a ice blue bowtie to match the color of his eyes. Gold Nose nodded at the band. The band looked at me. This was all completely off-book, I hadn’t been briefed for this. Well what could I do? I nodded too, and the band started up a medium-tempo cha cha-which incidentally happened to be Gold Nose’s specialty.

The hall erupted in cucarachas, spirals, timed steps, aidas - the whole cha cha syllabus. Someone would scream “Ay ay ay” occasionally. On the side Two, Four, and Seven started up a betting ring on who would win. Three and Five, Eight and 11, joined the couples on the side to dance together. I paused in place for a moment, feeling pleasure at the overwhelming feeling of joy we had cultivated at our event. This was one well-done party.

Meanwhile the music started speeding up, playing cha cha beats faster and faster. Challengers dropped out gradually until it was just Eve Ill, Agent, and Gold Nose on the floor. Eve Ill was doing Cuban Breaks when her heel slipped and she toppled to the floor. To be fair, I was surprised she had made it this far in those shoes. Recognizing themselves as final competitors, Agent and Gold Nose circled each other with a set of chasses. Abruptly and smoothly, they started doing the chase, taking turns with one following the other, then turning around to head the other way, all the while they did highly stylized basic syncopated steps and hip twists. They paused to do synchronized body rolls just when, the music came to an end.

Gold Nose gave the band a very dirty look. Eight, who had been playing the violin, took the microphone to say, “We’ll be playing one more song to finish up, folks, one more song to decide the dance off. Hold still right where you are folks.” Eight turned to his band. There was some murmuring from as they conferred about what to play. “Ladies and gentlemen, get ready to waltz!” The first measures of a plaintive waltz filled the air.

From where they stood frozen in place since the end of the last song, Agent and Gold Nose eyed each other. Then Agent straightened up, pulling his suit jacket down, put one foot and one arm forward: an offer. Gold Nose flared his nostrils, hesitated, then closed the distance between the two of them, placing his fingers gently atop Agent’s outstretched hand. Agent fit his other arm atop Gold Nose’s shoulder blade and Gold Nose’s own came to rest near Agent’s collarbone, arm draped over Agent’s. Then they were off, sweeping across the room. There was a hush to the crowd as they admired the way Agent and Gold Nose’s bodies revolved around each other, working off a single, shared weight.

13 appeared at my side, tray of champagne glass held up in one arm. He said, “Honestly, I’m confused. I don’t understand what this plan was all for if he’s willing to give away all that money.”

I looked back to the dance floor to see Agent and Gold Nose do a burst, holding onto each other with one hand while they stepped out and drew an arc through the air with their free hand. Then they fell into a set of grapevines in shadow position, Agent peering from one side of Gold Nose, then the other and back again, as they passed by me. I smiled rather weakly, because I knew, I had probably always know. “Let the man dance,” I told 13.

The song ended to raucous applause. Gold Nose twirled Agent around then dipped him low. No one felt like calling a winner after a team effort like that. For once though, Agent acted with humility. Rather than demanding all our money and ruining our wonderful event with god knows what assortment of bullets and explosions, he thanked Gold Nose for the dance, enjoyed a few more drinks, chatted with Igor Iavorov and Seven, then left quietly at the end of the evening. We cleaned up that night in peace, having to deal with no worse damage than a stack of empty champagne glasses and someone’s sick in one of the bathrooms, We were used to highly dangerous rubble and substances, so this was tranquil indeed.

The next morning Gold Nose burst into our daily standup meeting with a jubilant expression and little stomp, clap, and slap routine.

“I have to congratulate you, One,” he said, “on a job well done last night, it was flawless.”

“Thank you, sir,” I said, “I look forward to the debrief later today. Speaking of which, I’ve prepared a document with your list of meetings for today.” I handed him that document.

Gold Nose grabbed it and twirled it on his finger. “Thanks. Is that all for today, One?”

“Additionally, sir, Five through Nine are ready to present their final product for Operation Death Ray. Theirs is the 3 o’clock meeting I’ve scheduled.”

“Ah.” Gold Nose stopped twirling the folder and opened it up. “Operation Death Ray…that one’s been in the works for a while hasn’t it, I forgot about that one. Ha ha,” he laughed. Then paused for an moment. “Well. I guess it’s time to capture Agent and give that Ray a try. Please move forward with those preparations.” Gold Nose exited the office with a pas de bourree.

13 was passing through just then, on the way to the gym. Noticing me watching as Gold Nose did chaines off into the distance, 13 paused. “I can see why he’s happy,” said 13. “Operation Death Ray will make our lives so much simpler.”

“Hm,” I said. I wasn’t sure it would be so simple. We watched Three and Four pass by with a load, stopping every so often, to take a few steps back, turn their heads and nod rhythmically. It was as if they were dancing to invisible music. Things had definitely changed. Maybe it was for the best. Putting worry aside, I went on with my day.

**Author's Note:**

> Dear larissabernstein, I couldn't figure out how to access your Yuletide letter, so I didn't really know what to write for you. I hope this small story captured some of what you were looking for!


End file.
